New DNA; Ramsey okay

Well, it only took eleven and a half years, but it looks like the family of JonBenet Ramsey is in the clear. Several years ago, the evidence swayed those still following the case that Patsy Ramsey was not the likely murderer and that the evidence suggested an intruder. New DNA has eradicated any remnant beliefs of the family's guilt. The results were announced and issued with an apology to the family for the increased stress in the situation. Unfortunately for Patsy Ramsey, this all comes a couple of years after her death from a battle with ovarian cancer.

Jeffrey MacDonald only wishes he had such luck. Excuse me, I mean innocence.

She Has Her Reasons

I originally wrote this for the magazine but a demographic shift means it's no longer usable.....

Recently, my friend and I were discussing how uncomfortable we find the chairs we sit on for most of the day, every day, so we decided to get a little creative and think of things that might substitute for those chairs. Our not-so-great ideas included a tree stump (think of the splinter hazards), a stack of old textbooks, and no chair at all. But I’d have to say our best idea was the exercise ball….and here’s why:

1. It’s colorful. Most desk chairs offer you the wide color selection of black, or gray, or brown, or black. If a store is particularly daring, they may carry some shade of navy blue that is so dark it may as well be black. In contrast, the exercise ball comes in bright colors like yellow, red, and blue—the primaries. What an eye-catching way to add a little pop to your desk space.
2. It’s round. I don’t know why I find this fact so appealing other than that chairs don’t really have a shape. They’re chair-shaped. But an exercise ball, it’s spherical. It’s the best shape because it has no edges. If you hit your knee on it because you misjudged a corner—oh wait! Impossible. There is no corner.
3. It’s playful. I like to see how long I can balance on an exercise ball without touching the floor and have minor competitions with others or with myself. The game is not quite so challenging when you’re seated on a chair with four legs. I’ve tried it. It’s rather dull.
4. It’s unique. Do you know anyone who has an exercise ball-chair? I don’t.
5. It’s bouncy. I have been known to have some difficulty sitting still. And if you can get me to sit still, it probably isn’t in the proper way to sit in a normal chair. I’ll sit with in Indian-style, with my feet folded under my legs and nothing hanging down (let alone placed firmly on the ground). I’ll even sit with my feet both up on the chair, my knees bent, and my chin resting on my knees—let me tell you, this is a general no-no in the professional world. If I’m going to sit primly and properly all day long, my desk chair at home better offer me something different. The exercise ball is an interactive chair. It’s not quite so serious. And you know what bouncy, bouncy, bouncy means….
6. It’s fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!

There are, of course, negative aspects to the exercise ball-chair. For instance, how would you slide it under the desk for a nice, neat effect? It would just roll right out again. I can’t say I know of much back support that it offers—although, that may instead require you to work on your posture, which would, in turn, be a positive aspect of the ball-chair. The most obvious negative for the exercise ball desk chair is, of course, that with all the colorfulness, roundness, playfulness, individuality, bounciness, and fun, you’d never look at anything on the actual desk. This possibility somewhat defeats the point of the desk itself. In which case, we could remove the desk and simply play with the exercise ball in an empty room…..only when would any work get done?

Oooh, dilemma.

Misquoted Follow-up

Having visited the bank today, I was pleased and disheartened to find that the sign had been changed. The same message remains but the quotes had been erased. And although this is closer to the meaning they are actually seeking, it really takes away the enjoyability of my banking transaction.

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Lately, I've been doing some work for an up-and-coming magazine based in Beverly Hills and they've asked that I take on more responsibility and create a personal website for readers and professionals perusing their website to access. And so I set about staking my claim on the world wide web---it isn't land on the moon, but I'm gaining on Mr. Cruise. I'm still not all the way out of the woods on this project, but I've done a bit and here's my advice to others looking to do a bit:

1. Nothing is free. If a website offers to provide a free personal website, they will tack on their name in the address, and/or graffiti your site with a banner advertisement of their name. Prepare your wallet for a beating. Lay it out; string it up; talk trash to it, the works.

2. Wear a headset. You will inevitably be on the phone with some tech-y, at some point, and for some undetermined amount of time. Plus, it looks wicked. Quite stylish.

3. Listen to the Monkees. You'll have lots of stepping stones in this effort. Providers, hosts, layouts, design, etc. etc. etc. etc. Remember, the internet is nothing if not complex and potentially confusing.

4. Pay someone else to do it. Strangely enough, there are people, many people, who know how to do this stuff rather effectively. It will be worth the effort (which is far less than trying to actually create a website) to contact a few others to see who you know and who they know who know how to do what you don't know.

Misquoted

This is a mobile upload. I had to take it. When I read it, I couldn't help but laugh. A lesson in the colloquial quote, if you will.

Translation of the sign above: Please, but not really, refrain from using your fake cell phones (though how you might use a fake cell phone is beyond me) during a transaction. Thank you for following the request we couldn't make because it was an impossible request to extend.

Probable desired translation: We would really appreciate and prefer if you did not use your cell phones when dealing with our tellers.

Rewrite option: Lose the quotes.

The whole message just reminded me of Joey, on "FRIENDS" (quotes are okay here because it is the name of a television show, though I could argue for italics instead), apologizing to Ross. I'm "sorry." Not using them right, Joe.

Message to local Wamu branch: Not using them right, Wamu.

Ode to Sunscreen

I spent this past weekend in Palm Desert. More specifically, I spent it at a pool at a hotel in Palm Desert. And while I was sitting there, liberally applying my SPF 30 Dry-touch sunscreen to my rather pale body and a different oil-free sunscreen to my face, I thought to myself, "Thank God for sunscreen."

It's not said enough. Without sunscreen, I cannot enjoy a good book (or, as was the case this weekend, a good water gun), without serious pain and placing my health in even more serious jeopardy. It's a very under-appreciated product.

Not only does its mere existence increase the pleasure of my existence but take a moment to think about its form. Yes, we often complain that it smells funny and feels slimy on our hands but, in its development, it was not so pristine. In fact, at one point, it was red, and of the consistency of petroleum jelly (not to mention not nearly as effective as today's product). Sunscreen was introduced to the market in the late 30s and early 40s (which explains the athletic fashions of previous times) and the SPF term we so freely throw about today came about approximately 25 years later by the same man, Franz Greiter, who had produced what is considered to be the first effective sunscreen. That is a lifetime dedicated to sunscreen. And, I say, a life well spent!!

Without sunscreen, where would you be? Tied to your house with brief excursions outside? Or worse, venturing out with layers of clothing, covering every morsel of your body including your face? Lovely.

It's been said that coffee makes modern life possible. So be it. Coffee makes the work world possible. But sunscreen, ah sunscreen, sunscreen makes modern leisure time possible.

I Left My Heart in Eastern Europe

Perhaps you've read about it in the news, the story of the father/grandfather who locked his 18-year-old daughter in the cellar for 24 years and fathered 7 children by her in a city outside Vienna. It is by all means revolting and disgusting on a level far exceeding "Chinatown." Eh, forget it, Jake. All allusions/lightheartedness aside, this story makes me miss Eastern Europe. Odd, I know.

I was only there for a summer---well, half a summer really--- between my undergraduate and graduate incarcerations, but I had such a profound experience in that brief time that that region of the world has ingrained itself within me. I think this is especially true of its children. I was there teaching English to preteens and teens and have gained at least one very dear friend whom I think of as a little sister. I taught as a camp counselor. Each week I was assigned students who belonged to me and that is precisely how I looked at them. For that week, they were mine. I was responsible for them in every manner. And who knows what role that may have meant that I played in their lives in the long run? They've very much had an affect on mine.

I miss them and do not doubt, that when the day comes, I will be looking into adoption in the Eastern European region. The countries have such interesting, tumultuous histories, and I just wish I could make everything better. I can't. But maybe I can do something.